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So, this is 2020? How are you going? I returned from overseas to a country literally burning and choked in smoke; a government that is refusing to accept that climate change is real; and a news organisation making up the narrative to suit themselves (arsonists are everywhere, apparently).
Bet you didn’t expect me to get so political before midday on a Monday!
Today is my first day back at work after three weeks of holidays in New York with my family. We spent the time basically relocating our Melbourne life to New York: finding a favourite café that served decent coffee, drinking great quantities of said coffee, wandering the streets, playing with (other people’s) dogs, warming up in bookstores and catching up with friends. It was the perfect way to farewell 2019 and welcome 2020.
As I have mentioned a million times before, I don’t do resolutions. You may not know this, but I live with diabetes, and that in itself gives me enough reasons to not reach goals and targets. I don’t need to add another list of things of which to fall short.
For the last three years, I’ve chosen a word that I’ve hoped would oversee and direct my way of thinking and acting for the year. As it turns out, that was a load of rubbish. Because each time, as I searched for the word that I wanted to guide me, the one I settled on went against the very grain of who I am.
The words were pause, focus and reset – and behind them was the idea that I would respond in ways that were really out of character; words that would silence or calm my natural responses.
But that’s not me. I walk towards things (usually at pace), I’m impulsive, I’m reactive. Sure, these may not necessarily be the best traits for a mindful, calm existence, and they can be exhausting, but welcome to my life: Hi, I’m Renza.
This year, I’m ditching the word idea, and using a phrase that better suits me, and that phrase is Stand Up.
We are living in a world that does not need people to be silent. Manners are all very important, but it is very possible to have manners and be polite, but still challenge things that we see as not right. We don’t need to be told how to think, how to feel, how to respond to something that upsets us. We don’t need to tone police ourselves – or others. We don’t need to accept what we are given.
And in the diabetes space, we don’t need people to be meek and mild. We need people who are disrupters and who speak their minds and who call out the bullshit. We definitely need to make sure that the voice of PWD is the loudest in the room, and that anyone who tries, even for a second on any platform, to tell us to pipe down is called out for it.
We do not need people to go quietly, and I am somewhat horrified that I did just that at the end of last year when I was feeling intimidated and vulnerable online. If I’m honest, I don’t recognise the person who switched her Twitter to private and wrote this thread to explain it to the people who were asking why.
Being angry is okay because there is a lot to get angry about in diabetes care. Not standing up means that we accept the situation for how it is. We can do it in a way that is nice and friendly, but sometimes it takes more than that. And that is okay.
I have never cared about being popular in the DOC or being considered one of the cool kids. I have never worried about follower numbers. I searched for this community because I needed support and I needed to feel part of something amongst people who were just life me. Other people with diabetes.
When I re-read my twitter thread from before Xmas, my heart broke NOT at what had happened; but at how I felt that the only way for me to stop feeling so unsafe was to turn away from the community – MY community. It was this tweet that set my tears running again:
I thought that if I had wandered into the DOC for the first time instead of the welcoming place it was, I saw PWD being challenged, I would have run away. THAT was what broke my heart – the very idea that I would not have discovered people like Kerri, Georgie, Cherise, Melissa, Mike, Dana, Grumps, David, Manny, Jeff, Mel, Frank, Alanna, Kelly, Ashleigh, Scott, Annie, Alecia, Bastian, Daniela and so, so many others. I don’t know how I would have navigated the murky waters of life with diabetes without those people: MY people for whom diabetes actually invades our DNA and the DNA of our loved ones. People there for the right reasons – not for the accolades, not for increasing follower counts. They are community-minded, open to opposing ideas and thoughts, and don’t consider themselves superheroes.
If I had have gone quietly, I would never have learnt from them; never had the support of people who understand; never had people like that at my back when I do stand up.
So, I don’t go quietly ever again. I stand up as I always have. I accept that doing that will send me into periods of advocacy burnout; I’ll deal with that when it happens, surrounded my friends and peers who get it.
So yes, this is 2020. I’m back. It’s really nice to see you here.
Each year, as we stop, look back and take stock, the reason that we are feeling so tired becomes apparent. This year is no different for me; my work travel calendar was the most intense it has ever been, with nine long haul trips, some for only a day or two. Combined with regular domestic travel, I can truly say that I have seen the inside of airports far too much. I stopped adding up the trips I did once I passed 100 walks down airbridges to board planes because it was making me weepy.
But on top of the usual exhaustion this year, there seems to be an extra element of fatigue that goes beyond what I’ve experienced before.
But first, let’s talk highlights, because there have been many of them.
The year kicked off with Spare A Rose and whoa, did we start the year with a bang! With the true philosophy of SaR at the forefront (an initiative for the community, by the community), we not only reached our rather audacious target, we smashed it! A cheeky and opportunistic little extra push saw a smiling Grumpy Pumper unleashed to the whole world for just a moment The DOC didn’t break, but the final tally of for the campaign meant that 939 kids in under-resourced countries would be receiving insulin for a year. Amazing!
My favourite issue, #LanguageMatters, only went from strength to strength, and the publication of this piece in BMJ, followed by this podcast, was a brilliant way to get it outside of the diabetes echo chamber. The importance of language featured on the programs of major conferences such as ADA and #IDF2019 with stellar panels speaking about why it really does matter.
My diabetes turned 21 and tied up in all the emotion of that, my pancreas’ performance review didn’t go all that well. Maybe next year? (Unlikely.)
Possibly the most exciting, heart-warming, rewarding and humbling thing I did this year was co-facilitate a workshop in Manila with some of the most dynamic, compassionate and enthusiastic young diabetes advocates I have ever met. I’m thrilled have had a chance to catch up with a couple of the people from this meeting and can see the wonderful work they are doing in more than trying circumstances.
Peer support was never far away. One of my favourite digital campaigns came from Diabetes Australia (remember – I work there so consider my bias) with our The Lowdown campaign. What a brilliant way to showcase how a digital campaign can reach and connect people from all over the world, and encourage them to safely speak about a topic that doesn’t seem to get anywhere enough coverage. I spoke about the campaign’s success in a number of places this year.
My own personal peer support experiences happened all around the globe at conferences, advisory board meetings and other opportunities to see friends and colleagues with diabetes. These moments ground me and help me make sense of what I am seeing and hearing, and are critical for keeping me balanced.
A special shout out to these two peers and dear, dear friends: Bastian and Grumps. We saw each other an inordinate number of times this year, literally all over the globe, travelling on planes, trains and automobiles for our #DiabetesOnTour. I do think we should launch a calendar of the 2020 pics. (Admittedly, we may be the only ones remotely interested in that idea.) When I talk about my diabetes tribe, it’s friends like these two. We’ve celebrated through some pretty amazing things this year, stood up to elevate the lived experience over and over, and also counselled each other through the tough bits. We’ve held post-mortems of long days, sitting in hotel foyers and bars, trying to make sense of what has happened, working out how to always improve, and plotting and planning more and more and more. I am so grateful to them for being the scaffolding holding me up when I’m away from home and feeling overwhelmed.
So, now the reason for that elevated exhaustion…
When I first wrote about advocacy burnout back in January this year, I had no idea at the time that it would set the scene for a difficult and sometimes troubling theme for the year. I get tired and overcome at times throughout the year, but 2019 was different and I’m not really sure why.
There were moments this year where I did honestly wonder how much more energy I have to stand up over and over again to a lot of what I was seeing. I don’t like using war and battle analogies in diabetes, but I did feel that I was fighting a lot of the time. Diabetes advocacy is a tough gig to begin with. Adding burnout on top of it makes it seem shattering.
Being attacked by HCPs for daring to voice my thoughts and challenge their behaviour, or getting it from certain, more confrontational parts of the diabetes community, or having industry reps tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about for daring to suggest that maybe their lame attempts to simulate diabetes in gameshow-style gimmicks at conferences could be better directed at actually engaging and listening to PWD all added up.
Or perhaps it was the repeated examples of ‘diabetes for laughs’…and realising that we are a long way away from HCPs truly being allies in our daily encounters with stigma.
Or perhaps it was feeling that we needed to justify just how important the #LanguageMatters movement, and the decade of work we’ve done really is. I can’t even begin to tell you how upsetting this little incident was.
It added up and several times I’ve felt overcome. I feel like that today. Which is disappointing because on measure, the highlights, the positives and the amazing community should overshadow the negative encounters.
And that is why I’m taking a break from Diabetogenic. I need some time away from feeling as though I want to analyse what is going on and comment on it. I have a wonderful holiday planned with my gorgeous family where we will see friends and wander wintery streets, rugged up in pompom hats. And then, will warm up once back in Australia to finish recharging my seriously diminished batteries, ready for a new year that’s already shaping up to be so, so busy.
Until then, I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, celebrating however you see fit. Thanks for popping by. And I’ll see you in 2020, clapping my hands and raring to go!
The IDF Congress proved once again that the power of peer support should never, ever be underestimated. From spending time with the considerable number of diabetes advocates floating around the conference centre, to hearing about their work, to seeing them present their sessions, to speaking with the enthusiastic IDF Young Leaders, there were constant reminders of just how much we value and need contact with those who know diabetes.
Our peers are not only those whose beta cell production is on strike. It’s also the people who cheer and champion us. While I will always shout about how I need to be around others with diabetes – those who intrinsically ‘get it’ – my tribe also includes people affected by diabetes in other ways. Having friends and colleagues Taryn Black and Jane Speight at the Congress was wonderful because they were able to showcase the amazing work they do that champions people with diabetes. (They may not want to be friends anymore after they see this picture…)
When we asked for topic submissions for IDF2019, peer support rang out strongly as a topic for which there was much interest. This has been consistent with all the IDF Congresses I’ve attended. But we wanted to make sure we were considering it lots of different ways and at different stages of a person with diabetes’ life. What were the benefits for younger people with diabetes through their own eyes? We don’t get to hear from them all that frequently. And what about for older people who have lived with diabetes for many years, or who are newly diagnosed with diabetes? And what about people whose diabetes doesn’t neatly fit into the pigeonholes we so like to use in the diabetes landscape?
And so, the program managed to highlights these different aspects of peer support, showing that there are just as many ways we find a way to connect as there are people with diabetes!
So, here are some snapshots from different folks at the Congress to give you an understanding of just how much peer support was all around!
Lydia Parkhurst spoke about how important it was to have met other young people with diabetes as she moved from adolescent to young adulthood. She said: ‘It’s great having the support from my friends and family, but unless you have diabetes yourself, you never truly know.’
Georgie Peters looked at not only the positive aspects of peer support, but also how it may enable damaging behaviours – in this case, referencing recovery from a diabetes-related eating disorder.
Jane Speight spoke about how peer support may help reduce diabetes distress, and in my N=1 example, I can say that is certainly true.
Bastian Hauck acknowledged the input of peers in the #WeAreNotWaiting movement, explaining how the online support is the best 24 hour customer service hotline imaginable!
Cheryl Steele echoed Bastian’s comments about the DIYAPS online world in her talk that touched on support as she discussed the ages and stages of type 1 diabetes.
At the Ascensia Social Media Summit, in his opening remarks Joe from Ascensia made the point: ‘Peer support is a really important aspect of living with diabetes.’Ascensia’s commitment to this in their regular summits, as well as their online campaigns is brilliant. At this summit, there were 171 years of diabetes lived experience in the room, and a lot of camaraderie. There were a lot of buzz at this event, with people who had only known each other online suddenly becoming IRL friends.
Friend and fabulous diabetes advocate Phylissa Deroze spoke that not all peer support is right for all people. Finding space when living with type 2 diabetes can be challenging.
And peer support researcher and staunch supporter, Ed Fisher amended his well known ‘Four Key Functions of Peer Support’ by adding a fifth: ‘Being there and shared experience’. How wonderful is it that recognition of that ‘we get it’ aspect of peer support is being acknowledged by researchers?!
Off the program, it was impossible to ignore the power of that shared experience. We heard stories that resonated because they mirror our own. And then we heard those that were not anything like ours, but we wanted to learn more and understand just how they impacted our brothers and sisters with diabetes. When I heard Sana from Pakistan explaining the discrimination and stigma associated with diabetes means that women don’t tell their husbands they are living with diabetes, hiding away the day to day tasks required (if doing them at all), her advocacy efforts became even more remarkable. And when one of the young leaders echoed this story, and went on to share how she wore her pump prominently at an extended family gathering, despite warnings from her parents that it wasn’t a good idea, we couldn’t help but applaud. Feminism and diabetes activism is really tough going, and these were just two women being the change and storming the way through for others.
And, then…then there was Manny.
Manny Hernandez gave the award lecture for the Living with Diabetes Stream. When we were choosing who to acknowledge for this award, Manny stood out for his work in the diabetes community.
Manny was asked to choose his own topic for his talk, and came up with ‘The Importance of Community for People with Diabetes’. He couldn’t have chosen a better subject matter! Manny started by sharing his own story, and how it wasn’t until he met others with diabetes that he felt connected to a community. ‘I learned more in one hour with peers than in the previous four years,’ he commented. And then: ‘There are amazing endocrinologists out there but they can’t know what it’s like to live with diabetes, what the nuances of high and low blood sugar feels like, because they don’t live it.
Manny being Manny didn’t just leave it there. He wanted others to have what he had found, and so he created Tu Diabetes, followed by Es Tu Diabetes and The Diabetes Hands Foundation (DHF). For so many people with diabetes, this was a first foray into peer support. I know that it was a hugely valuable source of information and support for me. And it introduced me to people who have become very, very dear friends. (Massive shout out to Melissa Lee who was interim CEO of DHF after Manny left. I can’t even begin to explain how much I appreciate her warmth, wisdom and wit. And friendship.)
Manny’s award lecture was a love letter to and for all of us who have found that support which makes our lives with diabetes easier, better and more hopeful; for finding out tribes, loving them hard.
It’s no wonder that #PeerSupport was one of the most used hashtags at the Congress. It was recognised by speakers in different sessions as a cornerstone of diabetes management, just as important as other aspects involved in our care.
And so, I guess that this blog isn’t anytime soon going to stop or slow down extolling the benefits and value of peer support. Thanks to all those wonderful peers – friends – at #IDF2019 for making the experience such a rich and supportive one.
DISCLOSURE
I was the Chair of the Living with Diabetes Stream at the IDF Congress in Busan. My flights to Busan were covered by Ascensia Global (in order for me to get to Busan in time to co-facilitate their Social Media Summit). Flights home and accommodation were covered by the IDF.
Busan is a very different city today than it was last week. There won’t be warmly dressed people hurrying into BEXCO with IDF2019 lanyards around their necks, eager to learn about diabetes. The word ‘diabetes’ won’t be uttered in almost every language of the globe. There won’t be Melbourne diabetes people loudly lamenting that Starbucks seems to be the coffee of choice in the city.
And you won’t see groups of people from all around the world standing together talking about what it’s like to live with diabetes. Most of us have gone home to our respective corners of the world, back to our families, back to our jobs, back to our real lives. But we will always have Busan and the incredible week of the IDF Congress.
By the time I arrived in Busan on Monday, the IDF was already a different beast. There was a new President and Board in place and some of the concerns that we’d had about the handover had melted away to nothing. This paved the way for what we really there for: a week of learning, networking, hearing different perspectives and truly uniting for diabetes.
We did that.
Was it a perfect conference? Of course not; they never are. There were hiccoughs and AV fun. There were controversies that played out online very differently to the way they actually happened in real life. There were sessions – critically important and brilliant sessions from all streams– with disappointing turnouts.
But these are all minor concerns that are the reality of every conference I have ever attended. There will be a time for post-mortems and evaluations and planning for improvements to future conferences. That time, however, is not now. Now is the time to celebrate.
IDF 2019 was a brilliant showcase of diabetes from around the globe. As expected, I only attended sessions from the Living with Diabetes stream and every single story was beautifully presented, and enhanced by the professional expertise of the HCPs who shared the stage. Amongst the incredible tales were moments of discomfort. It’s challenging to hear of the struggles many of my sisters and brothers with diabetes face in their day to day lives. I was forced to confront my privilege in a way that demands more than just acknowledging it there.
Also, difficult to accept is realising that sometimes the chasm between what people living with diabetes want and need and what HCPs and researchers think we want is gulf-like. For every HCP who ‘gets us’ and understands the value of lived experience in the healthcare space dialogue, there are many others who just don’t accept it, and, despairingly, don’t want to listen.
But more on that another day. Because for now, I’m focused on the people who did such a stellar job. So here are just some of them!
Two hours after touching down in Busan, and we kicked off the sixth Ascensia Social Media Summit with these gems.
Bright and early on day 1 of IDF2019, and the auditorium was packed to hear about diabetes and tech.
Always, ALWAYS, pleased to share the stage with Jane. Here we are just before the panel session.
Georgie excited to TALK ABOUT HYPOS! (We couldn’t understand why there was an explanation mark at the end of that sentence.)
Manny Hernandez gave the LWD Stream Award Lecture and there is no one more qualified to talk about the importance of diabetes community. How honoured I was to introduce him!
Celebrating Manny! (Photo courtesy of Boudewijn Bertsch)
From Melbourne to Busan. Neighbours at IDF2019. Jo was speaking about living with a rare type of diabetes and Andy was there for support (and photos from rooftops).
This woman! Sana, deputy lead of the LWD Stream and a bright, fierce force.
Anita eloquently explaining the challenges of living with diabetes-related complications in Indonesia.
Apoorva highlighting #LanguageMatters in her talk.
Some of the most dynamic young people I have ever met at the Young Leaders in Diabetes Training Summit.
Cherise can always be relied upon to ask thoughtful questions.
I’ve lost count of the cities we’ve done our #DiabetesOnTour this year, but these blokes have made all my travel so much better! Thanks Bastian and Grumps.
My favourite people at IDF2019? The two baristas running this uber-hipster coffee van.
We were all surprised to see the room packed full at 8.30am on the last day of the Congress. Sex sells. Or people just want to talk about it…
One of the best pieces of advice I was ever give was this: surround yourself with smart women. This is the LWD stream from IDF2019. I truly was surrounded by the smartest of women! Thank you Sana, Pei Yan and Elizabeth.
The final session in the LWD and my highlight of the whole congress was my neighbour, Sol, talking about living with MODY 3. We could not have scripted a closing remark better than his: ‘Being at this conference has made me feel part of something and with people that understand.’ Welcome to the world of diabetes peer support, Sol. You are so, so very welcome here.
DISCLOSURE
I was the Chair of the Living with Diabetes Stream at the IDF Congress in Busan. My flights to Busan were covered by Ascensia Global (in order for me to get to Busan in time to co-facilitate their Social Media Summit). Flights home and accommodation were covered by the IDF.
Happy World Diabetes Day to you all. This year, the IDF is building on last year’s theme about diabetes and the family.
I wrote this last year, which explained how my diabetes family extends beyond my immediate family. It includes my friends living with diabetes – the diabetes tribe that I found and love so hard. I know that without them, there is no way that I would be living the diabetes life I have now. This tribe of PWD is spread across the globe, but is literally at my fingertips anytime I need them. A day does not go by when we are not messaging about the saucy goings on in the diabetes world.
Tribe
Everyone’s diabetes family looks different. While for some it is their partner, kids, parents and extended family, for others it may include their friends, healthcare team, local diabetes organisation or next-door neighbour. You do you when finding your tribe! Here’s a collage of just some of the tribe I’ve been lucky enough to see this year.
The greatest thing my own tiny little family unit – Aaron and the kidlet – have done for me with my diabetes is to let me do it my way. Aaron was there the moment I was diagnosed, and not once in the last twenty-one years has he tried to make diabetes about him. He will never know how grateful I am for that. Those middle of the night hypos where he was awake alongside me, toasting bread or pouring juice, or the hospital visits or the days interrupted by misbehaving glucose levels were done with not a single mention of how he has been impacted by my diabetes. I never heard him say how exhausted he was the morning after a particularly wakeful night, or how my diabetes has affected him.
But perhaps the greatest support that my family has given me is never making me feel limited by diabetes. Building independence when living with a chronic health condition isn’t only something that is relevant to children and adolescence. Last night, I slept alone in a hotel room and didn’t for a moment feel fear because of my diabetes. I travel the world alone for work – jump on long haul flights, spend twenty-hour days at conferences and day-long meetings – and I do that with complete and utter confidence that I can manage my diabetes alone.
I hear others with diabetes say that their loved ones are worried and fearful when they are away from them, and that in turn makes them feel nervous. I hear of struggles of how to share CGM data constructively and how much others get to be involved in the PWD’s diabetes life. It’s a delicate dance we do here, and Aaron and the kidlet have always been led by what I need. And what I need is not to feel fragile or as though I could break at any moment if they are not there.
I love that they don’t limit me in any way because of my diabetes. And I love that they trust me enough to know that I will reach out when I need to, and that when they ask and ask and ask, all that does is make me feel like a burden. And I love that they never, ever make diabetes about them.
So, they’re the stories that I’m looking for today – the stories of people with diabetes, showing how they have been supported to do their very best. And at the same time, I’m sending a thank you out to these two for supporting me in exactly the way I need.
My people
Jeez, burnout sucks. And boy, was I feeling it last week. My blog post from last Friday accurately summed up the exhaustion, stress, feelings of defeat and the heaviness I was feeling as I flew back home. I didn’t even have the energy to yell ‘Bullshit!’ during the part of the safety video when the guy claims lies that there is great coffee to be had on the aircraft. That is just not true, Qantas.
Thanks to everyone who reached out – to everyone who Tweeted, Facebooked, Instagrammed, commented, texted and emailed. I did take a few days off SoMe, but when I logged back on, I read absolutely everything that was sent to me, and I am overwhelmed (but in a really good way) by everyone’s support.
I participated in yesterday’s #DSMA chat because the awesome Cherise thought that a community chat about advocacy burnout was a good idea, and as is Cherise’s way, she was right. I learnt a heap about how others manage the inevitable feelings of overwhelm that affect so many of us at one time or another.
I am incredibly fortunate to work in a place that truly values the lived experience. As I wrote in this piece after the Ascenisa #OzDSMS, my CEO has always not only valued my role in the organisations he has led, but has championed the importance of lived experience. I’m really glad he was able to speak to some of Australia’s most impressive advocates (all of whom he already knew) to continue to explain just how important the work they/we all are doing truly is. I held on to that for a lot of last week and over the weekend too.
But it was the support of those with diabetes that helped me dig deep to find the way out of the dark space; those who understand that special brand of burnout that we feel when not only has our own body done its best to undermine us, but others and circumstances around us pile on, making things just so damn hard.
There is an ever-increasing body of evidence that shows peer support is helpful to people living with health conditions. But there is so much more to why we become parts of these communities than to just improve our health and wellbeing, or to connect with others who ‘get it’.
In these communities, those advocacy efforts we are working on in our own little corners of the world become real and big. Heather Gabel wrote this awesome Twitter thread about frustrations I share with her about how we need to focus on the social change our communities create. I will always need the tea and sympathy, but I also need the connections with those world-changing folks whose drive, determination and dedication help me thrive.
I would be naïve to suggest for a moment that the devastating and crushing burnout I was feeling last week has disappeared. It’s still there, and I suspect it will be for some time, and I’m going to keep taking time out, and stepping back for a little bit longer. But I am far more motivated now, and the crappy things that culminated in feeling overwhelmed are starting to look like blips rather than insurmountable peaks. Thanks to everyone who helped me step back and refocus.
Last week, Instagram got rid of ‘likes’. The company line was that it wants people to concentrate on content shared, rather than its popularity. Sure, Instagram, let’s go with that.
For the platform that is preferred by ‘lifestyle influencers’ (seriously – can you imagine putting that on your arrivals card?) it all seems a little disingenuous, but if not knowing who is liking content speaks to you, then perhaps this is a good idea.
I have a love/hate relationship with Instagram. I have mine pretty locked down and only share with friends and family. I only follow people who make me feel good, or make me laugh. I don’t follow anyone who makes me feel like I am not enough. Or anyone who drinks kale juice for breakfast. These good folks can namaste themselves elsewhere.
If you are connected with me on there, you’ll know that what you see mostly is photos of my family, the coffee I’m about to drink, the cookies I have just baked, and, depending on the season, blossom trees (hello, promise of spring) or jacaranda trees (hello, promise of summer). Plus, there’s diabetes spam…so much diabetes spam.
You won’t see me telling you about my perfect diabetes life though, because my diabetes life is not perfect. And you won’t hear me going on about how grateful I am that diabetes has given me so much, because really, I’m not. And you won’t hear me saying that others have it worse and that I am #SoBlessed, because … well … because #FuckThat.
I wrote once that I despise the concept of ‘At least…’ or ‘It could be worse’. Could it worse? Of course it could! But having a body that does what it is meant to would be a shed-load better!
Positive affirmations are great if they give us hope or something to hold on to. They’re not great if they start to make us feel like we are failing, or feel bad for not always being optimistic and upbeat. Sometimes, diabetes makes it really hard to walk on the sunny side of the street.
I frequently say diabetes sucks (because honestly, I am yet to hear someone tell me how it doesn’t), or that there are days that I truly hate diabetes (because I really, really do). This doesn’t mean that I am looking for someone to throw me a pity party. It doesn’t mean that I think my life is hopeless.
But some days, diabetes is especially challenging, and no number of positive memes or positive self-talk is going to change that.
I am a positive person by nature – annoyingly so at times. I see the good in people and in situations. But I refuse to believe that it is not okay to sometimes admit that my arse has been beaten that day by the health condition that is so difficult to live with, or to privately and publicly say that I truly, honestly, totally, absolutely despise diabetes.
I need the space to have those down days and the bad days and the days where I admit that I am not a superhero. I need the time to snuggle under a quilt on the sofa and watch some trash and not feel all positive or like I can conquer the world.
It is easy to believe that a lot of Instagram diabetes folks are all happy and accepting or grateful to have diabetes. Truly – if they are and are able to maintain that positive attitude all the time, that is wonderful. I’m not those people. I don’t resent them in any way. I just believe it is important to understand that not everyone is able to have that sort of outlook.
Sometimes, it’s not possible to ‘positive’ your way out of a bad diabetes day or try to convince yourself that you don’t hate diabetes, but really do love your body when it feels just so damn broken. And that is okay.
Really – it is okay to not be okay. It is okay for us to not be shiny, happy people* all the time.
What I will say is this: If your hard days are outnumbering the good days, please do see if there is someone who can help. It truly is okay to feel down about diabetes, but when you are feeling that way all the time and it’s affecting your day-to-day life, there is help.
When I find that the scales are definitely tipping that direction, my first port of call is my friends with diabetes. They never make me feel crap for not being positive. They certainly don’t feed my misery, but they do remind me that this is hard and that it is perfectly understandable and acceptable to have negative days. And closer to home, my husband knows that I don’t need a pep talk, or to be told to snap out of it, or a reminder that life could be worse. He tells me that diabetes sucks while passing me some chocolate. Smart, smart man.
I have come to learn the signs of when I need more help than that, and have a great psychologist I can link in with when I need to. I can’t tell you how much this has helped me. One of the first things my psych said to me was that it was okay to grieve my old life, and to feel that diabetes sucked. Being given permission to feel down at times felt like being able to breathe again.
And here’s the rub: knowing I don’t have to be Ms Positivity all the time – and saying just how hard things can be sometimes – actually has made me far more positive in the long run.
*I was talking about this with my beautiful friend Georgie yesterday. She is one of the first people I turn to when I am having a shitty diabetes day and we spend a lot of time just talking about how hard it can be. Her advice is always spot on. Or there is no advice – just an ear and a shoulder and a coffee date. As we were chatting, I said the thing about it being okay to not be shiny, happy people all the time, when I realised (and told her) that REM reference was from before she was born. Oh, how we laughed and laughed. And then I felt old.
Right here, Georgie and I ARE being shiny, happy people.
The other day, I was standing in a noisy café, waiting for my take away coffee to be ready, not really paying attention to anything, other than a tree I could see that had what must have been Melbourne’s first promise-of-spring blossoms. Suddenly, a loud noise dragged me from thoughts of warmer weather and not needing to wear fifty layers of black to leave the house. The man standing next to me turned his head and I caught him looking at my phone.
‘Your Dexcom is wailing,’ he said to me.
‘Indeed it is, needy little shit,’ I replied, after I got over my surprise at his comment. Usually people just look annoyed at the disturbance.
‘So…you’re one of us?’ I asked him, pointing to the pump I’d just noticed on his waist band.
‘Yep. Hi! I’ve never, ever just come across another person with diabetes in a café or just out and about,’ he said. ‘Have you?’
‘Ridiculously regularly in the last few of months,’ I replied, and told him about the mum of a young woman with diabetes at the airport lounge, the security guard at the airport in Amsterdam who referred to me and my travelling companions as a ‘diabetes club’, the woman talking about Libre in my favourite local café, and now him in this café near work.
‘Maybe stay away from airports and cafes. That seems to be where PWD congregate,’ he helpfully suggested.
At that exact moment, my pump beeped its on-the-hour alert that it was sitting on a temp basal rate.
My diabetes-in-the-wild mate looked at me, his eyes narrowing. ‘Now your pump is beeping. Oh – are you looping?’
I was more than a little startled at that one. The noise my ancient Medtronic makes on the hour is not loud at all – three little beeps to gently remind me that a temp basal rate has been activated by Loop. ‘Wow,’ I said. ‘Your hearing is next level. And yes. I am.’
We did the usual diabetes stat check: length of time with diabetes; age of diagnosis; things that drive us nuts; inventory of our diabetes devices; a couple of amusing diabetes anecdotes. ‘I pulled my pump line out on the door handle of my office today,’ he said. ‘Have you ever done that?’ I laughed. ‘No – don’t be ridiculous! I am a smart and clever and always paying attention person with diabetes. Of course I’ve never done that… And by never, I mean once every couple of months for the eighteen and a half years I’ve been pumping.’
My Dexcom fall rate alert wailed again. ‘I’m ignoring it. Hoping it will go away,’ I sighed. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I’ve been doing that with diabetes for the last 32 years.’
We looked at each other and mirrored in his face was the same expression I knew I was wearing – slight defeat, but also defiance. It’s the default expression that so many of us living with diabetes wear when we are feeling a little over it all.
The barista handed me my coffee, and juggling my phone and coffee and umbrella, I turned back to friend. ‘Lovely to chat,’ I said to him. ‘Always nice meeting one of my tribe.’
‘Tribe? Is that what you said?’ he asked.
‘Yep,’ I said, a familiar feeling washing over me: The ease and comfort of talking with someone who absolutely understands. In the place of making our own insulin, we make connections. And I was reminded, once again, how these chance encounters, along with the time I get to spend with my friends who have diabetes, sustain me.
‘Find your tribe. Love them hard,’ he said. ‘Isn’t that how it goes?’
I nodded and took a deep breath, raising my coffee up to him as I started to leave the café.
‘Yes. That’s exactly how it goes.’
Blossom…
