You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Awareness’ category.
During a recent briefing call for a grant assessment committee I’ve been invited to join, I got a little sassy. My role is that of ‘consumer advisor’ – that is, someone who can lend their lived experience knowledge to assess the real-life application of the grant proposals, and the research methods outlined.
So far; so normal. I’ve sat on a number of similar committees over the last decade or so. The committees I really enjoy working on are when I am not the only non-HCP present. I love it when there are a number of people there for their real-life experience.
Today, I think I may have been the only non-HCP on this call, but there may be others involved who simply couldn’t be there at the nominated time.
The call today was pretty stock standard – timelines were explained, the IT system we’ll be using was described and the roles and responsibilities of the different people on the committee were clarified. And that’s where things diverted from what I’m used to.
As a consumer advisor, I am able to provide feedback about the different applications – just as all the HCP committee members do. There are primary and secondary spokespeople for the committee (both HCPs), and during the meetings to decide the outcomes of grant applications, they will provide most of the comments. After that, all others on the committee offer anything further. And then it’s time for the committee to score each assessment.
Everyone except the consumer advisors that is. My role will be to provide a ‘consumer perspective’, but I don’t get to provide a score. The scoring is what determines the success (or otherwise) of a funding application.
I sat through this meeting, listening carefully to the process being outlined, wanting confirmation that I had read the information accurately. Was the role of consumer advisor limited to just being able to make a comment?
When it was time for questions, I politely asked if I had understood correctly.
Unfortunately, I had.
I was given an explanation that this the process, set out by the governing department believes that consumer engagement and involvement in the assessment process is crucial and very important to the process, and that consumer comments are invited, but our vote is not.
There was a pause. A long pause. And then a longer pause. Thankfully, this was not a zoom call – it was an old school teleconference – so the others on the call couldn’t see the thunderous expression that had settled on my face. The pause still hadn’t ended.
So, I jumped in.
‘That sounds like the definition of tokenism, doesn’t it? We are there to provide comment and put forward our thoughts, but we cannot actually contribute to the part of the process that actually determines outcomes.’ I knew the next words that would be coming out of my mouth. ‘We have no real ability to influence. I find it difficult to understand how this can be considered meaningful engagement if we have no authority in the scoring process. That’s not how engagement works, it’s just…’ (Window dressing. That’s what I wanted to say.) ‘…it’s just a tick the box exercise.’
That was when the patronising comments came from others on the call. I should say that I don’t think they intended them to be patronising. But they were.
‘Oh, can I just say that I have been involved in similar processes and we always were happy to listen to the consumer advice consider it in our scores.’
‘The consumer feedback is important and has been very useful in the past.’
‘The consumer advisors are able to provide comments and they do. That’s really valuable feedback for us to consider.’
I said nothing. Because I honestly couldn’t care less how much I was listened to. And I know that what I – and others in the same role as me – have to say is valuable. It doesn’t matter which way it is spun, without a vote, I am not an equal member on that committee. That is the actual and perceived reality of the way it is structured
And more frustrating is that in the minds of many, there would be the perception that consumers had been effectively consulted. The lived experience is represented, they can add that to their report (because, undoubtedly there is a KPI that says consumers must be consulted) and all is okay. That tick the box exercise of inviting consumers onto the committee would be considered enough.
It’s not. In fact, it’s more problematic that not inviting us in the first place. I have said this before, and I keep saying it: without the ability to influence, without the means to be part of decision-making processes, strategic planning, governance structures, then all that is happening is tokenism. It is window dressing. And that is not good enough.

There is so much about diabetes that can’t be simply explained or managed. And even if we understand the mechanism behind why something happens, we can’t necessarily fix it!
The intersection between diabetes and anxiety is certainly one of those things. When I am anxious, I go high. That’s the way it is. If I am extremely anxious and have a panic attack, the adrenalin rush sends me to insanely high glucose levels that I know I can’t treat by just bolusing insulin, because there will a swift, aggressive crash at some point and any excess insulin will make it worse. Much worse, because nausea often accompanies how I am feeling in the moment, so the thought of an ‘eat-the-kitchen’ hypo is not great at all.
I was feeling pretty anxious yesterday. It was a medium level hum that at times swelled to a loud banging noise, and I could sense that there was a topple on effect with my glucose levels. Except there wasn’t. At least not one that could be detected on my CGM graph, which was chugging along in range, albeit at the slightly higher end of that range.
But Loop was working hard to keep it that way. Micro changes to basal insulin showed a Loop graph of constantly changing dosing throughout the morning – at the same time I was feeling loud-banging-noise-anxious. At the moment there was a surge in anxiety levels – and I can pinpoint that moment – there was an accompanying surge in my insulin dose, but only for a little while. Because as my anxiety ebbed and flowed, so did my insulin dosing. All with me doing nothing.
Living with anxiety is one of the things that makes diabetes super difficult. I mean, there are so many things, but anxiety is a next level issue because the very idea of thinking about dealing with diabetes while dealing with an intense moment of anxiety is, quite simply, impossible. But even if I could, there is no way that I would be able to predict just how my glucose levels would respond, or the timing of that response, to act effectively.
As ever when writing and thinking about automated insulin delivery it comes with a very honest understanding, and acknowledgement of my privilege and knowing that I am extraordinarily fortunate to have at my disposal the technology that can help me in this way. I’ve written and spoken about this a number of times, and I am always acutely aware of the advantage of having a system that takes away so much of the brain power needed to manage such a complex health condition. I say this not as an afterthought – it is an ever-present thought.
But also ever-present is the gratitude that there is something with me that is providing such incredible insight into just how my diabetes behaves, operates and reacts to different situations. That is, of course, what CGM does. But it’s Loop gives an extra layer of insight – it shows me what my body would have been doing if my beta cells hadn’t gone on a permanent ‘tools down’ almost twenty-three years ago. And gives me an appreciation, and a reminder, of just how difficult diabetes is, and how incredibly challenging it is to attempt to perform the function of a highly sophisticated and evolved body organ!
Anxiety is unpleasant. What it does to diabetes is unpleasant. But having the tools to help manage its impacts on diabetes does help. It’s one less thing to worry about at a moment when it feels that I am being engulfed in a whole world of darkness and worry which is how I felt yesterday.
Now if someone could just magic up a DIY tool to stop the anxiety happening in the first place, that would be just dandy!
Last year, a lot of the work I did centred around mental health and diabetes. It’s funny how things happen – we had always planned for it to be the focus for our National Diabetes Week campaign at Diabetes Australia (disclosure: I work there), and then COVID-19 happened, and it seemed all the more important to make sure that we were flagging just how much people with diabetes’ mental health was being impacted by the pandemic. Spoiler alert – the answer was, and still is, a lot.
Last year also happened to be the year that my own anxiety went from being something I’d dealt with mostly in the past to something that became very much in the present and a bigger issue for me than living with diabetes. I had a few panic attacks that terrified me and had the domino effect of adding to my anxiety as I’d wait for the next one to strike. But it wasn’t just those acute moments that made me feel anxious. It was a low-grade hum that became the soundtrack to every waking moment, sometimes exploding into a roar.
Of course, COVID-19 contributed to it all, because how could it not? But I also knew that these feelings of disquiet and unease had started well before the pandemic was firmly on my radar, before our first lockdown, and before Melbourne’s second lockdown – the longest and strictest is the world.
Trying to keep it all in check was tough but at the time I thought that the fact that there was just so much going on with work was a good thing. I simply couldn’t examine too closely what was going on with my mental health because work was just so, so intense, and anyway, of course I was feeling fretful and anxious because who wasn’t?! Hindsight, of course, suggests that it probably would have been better to stop for a moment and address that hum rather than try to explain it away or drown it out with more and more noise that actually only made it worse.
And so, I started putting words to what I was feeling because that was a first step to acknowledging that I needed to do something. And that I needed help. I started to check in on my anxiety levels each morning. Or when something significant, (or even not all that significant) happened, I’d stop and ask myself how anxious I felt. Starting to be able to name how I was feeling, and rate it, meant I could do something about it.
I had occasional telehealth appointments with a psychologist, to work through and to help develop strategies for coping. And to spend time working out where this anxiety had stemmed from. This is something that has always been important for me to do. When I have had periods of extreme anxiety before, there has been no coming out of it without being able to pinpoint where, when and how it started.
Sometimes that’s not all that easy to do, other times it’s glaringly obvious. When diabetes has been acknowledged as the cause of my increased anxiety, it’s never enough to just say ‘diabetes’ – it’s usually something more nuanced and specific. And so down the rabbit hole I go as I try to pinpoint exactly what I need to work through to start feel better.
But this time, it was clear. It wasn’t having diabetes; it was being in diabetes. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it makes sense to anyone who has ever worked in a diabetes-related job, or spent a lot of time in the diabetes community. It was the latter that was making me very, very anxious. I’d already been aware that I was experiencing diabetes advocacy burnout, but anxiety is different to burnout. It was more than just the sense of feeling overwhelmed and nervous every time I raised my head above the parapet (which is a lot because of my job and advocacy work). So, I had a head start on what needed attention even before speaking with the psychologist, but we did work at narrowing down just what the triggers were for me that increased my anxiety levels, how to avoid them and how to cope if I couldn’t.
I learnt to ‘catch the fall’. That’s why checking in became important to me. When I could start to verbalise how I was feeling, and isolate when anxiety levels were increasing, I could do something. Breathing exercises, grabbing a book – any book – from the bookshelf and focusing on a page of words, going for a walk around the old laneways of our old neighbourhood. These all acted as circuit breakers, allowing me to catch the fall before I started to feel really, really anxious. And managed to catch most panic attacks. In fact, the rare times I actually did have something resembling a panic attack was a trigger that hit me in the face without warning. It happens – those triggers pop up despite best efforts to avoid them.
I’ve just returned to work from almost five weeks of holidays. It had been twelve months since I’d taken any time off, and (again: hindsight) I should have been smarter and taken a break when my anxiety was really starting to affect my day-to-day existence. Because right now, of course I feel like I can breathe freely and as though my head is clear. The dread I’d wake up with – a pressing down feeling that came at me from every angle – slowly lifted. It wasn’t just work that I took the break from. I removed myself from social media completely. Actually, that’s a lie. I doom scrolled my way through Twitter for about two weeks following what was going on in the US, but I had every single diabetes term, hashtag and phrase muted.
I am still anxious. I still do my regular check ins to see just how anxious I am feeling about different situations (the one I did yesterday morning where I asked myself I how I was feeling about actually going into my office for the first time in almost a year resulted in tears, so I rated that as ‘quite anxious’, but I was easily about to understand where that was coming from! COVID-19 is still here, even in Melbourne.)
Unsurprisingly for me, the most anxious I felt (rating: really, really, really anxious right now and can I please crawl under a blanket on the sofa with a doggo at my feet) was when I checked in after spending an hour on Twitter after unmuting the word diabetes. I muted it again, because baby steps and still steps.
And so, this rambling, messy post exploring just how I’ve been feeling in my head has no answers or solutions or ideas. Except I know that 2020 was tough. And I know that I am not alone in having felt that way. I also know that in the scheme of things, despite anxiety, despite COVID-19 and despite…well…everything, I’m mostly okay. And I’m starting 2021 in a place of some clarity and freshness, which I hope means that if that anxiety hum starts to get louder again, I’ll be able to hear that happen. And catch the fall before it’s too late.

















