Cookies!
I’ve just had a wonderful long weekend where pretty much every moment we were home, the oven was on with cakes, biscuits and pies filling the house with beautiful smells.
I spent the time out of the house doing the things that build me up – playing in the park and soaking up the sun, visiting bookshops, going to galleries, drinking coffee. We added artwork to our SHAG collection and I added a couple of new bracelets to my Kate Spade arsenal. I danced to Taylor Swift in the kitchen with my girl and watched Better Call Saul with my boy. Family dropped in, cups of tea were drunk, neighbours were visited. I took a Twitter break. We chased the moon. International Women’s Day was marked.
It was a good weekend – a great weekend.
Now showing on the wall in our living room.
And yet.
I start the week with a ball in the pit of my stomach and am incredibly distracted. I have an appointment tomorrow with my endo. And I am terrified.
It’s been too long since I last saw her. And if truth be told, I really don’t want to see her. I don’t want to sit there and discuss diabetes – my diabetes – and talk about how I have really dropped the ball. (Understatement.)
I don’t want to talk about the burnout that has overwhelmed me for so long and even though I feel myself emerging – there are glimpses of brightness – I don’t want to admit just how much it has affected my diabetes self-care.
I don’t want to discuss complications screenings. I don’t want to talk about them. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to face things.
I don’t want to sit in her office and cry, which I know is exactly what I will do the moment I sit down and she asks me how I have been in her incredibly non-judgemental, beautiful, concerned and caring way.
New jangly bracelets.
Throughout the last few days, in the middle of all the lovely stuff, I have paused and taken stock and thought of my upcoming appointment. I have thought about how it will play out. I have considered how, after the tears and admissions of feelings of guilt, I will leave feeling stronger and more determined – I always do after seeing my endo. But I am still scared and anxious about it all. I know that the truth of what has been going on scares me and the possibility of what has been going wrong. All of this terrifies me beyond belief.
I needed the long weekend to build me up and help with my resilience stores and I feel that it certainly did that. My support network is strong and I have people around me who are so gentle in the way the support and encourage me to live well with diabetes.
So with this in mind, I am focusing on getting through the next couple of days. And what happens after my appointment.
An expensive trip to Readings
A full biscuit tin, an armful of noisy bangles, a library of new books and a gorgeous new Josh Agle artwork on the wall are all helping and keeping me grounded. All things I need as I face a tough week.
It’s #DBlogCheck day. Read about it here and go and give some love to – and leave a comment on – some of the diabetes blogs out there that help make up this wonderful community.
Diabetogenic 
21 comments
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March 10, 2015 at 2:17 pm
Tony
Heston Blumenthal says that the smells of baking aren’t a good thing as it’s flavour escaping. Not sure if he is right on that as for me the smells create anticipation.
I am pretty sure though keeping fears and frustrations inside isn’t good.
Sometime I just walk in, sit down and say yep I’ve stuffed up for the last 4 months. I know it, I know what I should be doing and I don’t want to talk about it.
Just saying that felt like a weight lifting of my chest.
Love the print btw 😊
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March 10, 2015 at 2:49 pm
RenzaS
Hi Tony. Thanks for your comment. Yes – I saw Heston say that when he was slow cooking a chook (I plan to try that method when I make roast chicken one night this week). But for baking, I’m not sure that you can slow cook a cake??
Anyway – I think that acknowledging what hasn’t been working and trying a new approach is a good idea. Plus, I guess that the fact that I have made an appointment and will be going tomorrow is the first step in a long road.
Thanks again for your thoughtful words – much appreciated.
R
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March 10, 2015 at 4:15 pm
Icy (@individualchic)
I hope you feel better _after_ your appointment if not before! Have you considered the healing powers of new shoes? 😛
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March 10, 2015 at 5:05 pm
RenzaS
I like the way you think!
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March 10, 2015 at 6:45 pm
Mike
Great, great post Renza.
Drop the guilt, turn away from the fear. Well done for fitting diabetes into your life, not the other way around. You don’t have to have ‘perfect’ BGs, they don’t exist for anyone (with diabetes or without). You have to live alongside your D, not be consumed by it. Or what you think others think you should do with it.
You are beautiful, skilled and tenacious. You can do this. Little by little. Step by step.
Let it out. Let it go. Move on.
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March 10, 2015 at 6:55 pm
RenzaS
Thank you, Mike. Thank you.
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March 10, 2015 at 8:00 pm
Flipper
Why do we feel like that?? As you say always leave feeling better but am so nervous before. Think it’s that I disclose facts about me & D that i don’t tell anyone else. Great to know I’m not the only one. Love your blogs!
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March 10, 2015 at 8:15 pm
RenzaS
Thanks for your comment. I’m not sure why we feel like that. My endo is only fabulous, she never judges. So really, it’s guilt and shame aimed at me and me alone.
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March 10, 2015 at 8:56 pm
KerryTP
Thanks for sharing your story and making yourself so vulnerable. I feel a lot of the things you are going through, for different reasons, but I know those feelings.
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March 10, 2015 at 11:59 pm
Karen
I so hate the fear and the guilt that comes with life with diabetes. I wish I knew how to lift that burden from your shoulders. But I’ll keep you in my thoughts and send strong vibes your way.
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March 11, 2015 at 2:48 am
Abby
I have my apt next week (after two reschedules) and I know how you feel!!
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March 11, 2015 at 3:14 am
Alex C
Do we all feel this way about heading to the endo? I know I often do. Crazy to think about. I’m glad I’ve now found an endo who doesn’t judge, making it at least a little easier. Best wishes for your visit. Diabetes doesn’t have to rule your life!
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March 11, 2015 at 3:32 am
Andrea
I have felt that way before certain appointments as well. I find it hard to articulate the dread you feel even though you know the outcome will be a positve one, but you express it very well. Know that you go into that appointment with the whole DOC supporting you!
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March 11, 2015 at 4:12 am
kelly2k
Darling Friend:
The diabetes fear and guilt is an anchor we wear around our neck, weighing us down – I get totally get it..
Thank you for sharing and articulating your thoughts from the heart and so beautifully written. Please know that you are not alone – We are in this together and here for one another, always.
Xoxo
Kelly K~
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March 11, 2015 at 4:47 am
Joanne
Checking in for #dblogcheck day, and sending you hugs.
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March 11, 2015 at 11:15 am
Jessica Romansky
I feel ya. I have my Endo appt on Thursday and seem to have forgotten all the things I’ve been thinking about the last 6 months that I was planning to ask about. Had my bloodwork done last week and for the last few checks have had my results emaed to me as soon as they’re ready. I like that because I can at least try to mentally prepare myself for what I always assume to be a bad time. I’ve felt for some time that I’m not getting the kind of care I should from my doctor’a office. I have a feeling I’m the youngest person in that office by a good 30 years and am not bein given the advantages young age should allow me, early detection, etc.
When dealing with things so personally affecting, I tend to get extremely defensive and I’m not sure how to go about asking these types of things without feeling like in offending someone or putting blame on someone else. (I know I personally have a bit of work to do.)
Anyways, in honor of this day of commenting, just getting this out feels better.
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March 11, 2015 at 11:23 am
Christopher
I don’t have any encouraging words to add beyond what has already been said. So how is Better Call Saul? Anyone who enjoyed Breaking Bad needs to watch this, right?
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March 11, 2015 at 9:21 pm
RenzaS
Yes. Absolutely. It’s great! Hope you had a good #dblogcheck day, Christopher. Such a great initiative.
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March 11, 2015 at 11:23 am
Mike Durbin (@mydiabeticheart)
Thanks for sharing your experiences so openly. You’re not alone. Lots of love.
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March 12, 2015 at 12:58 am
Mike Hoskins (@MHoskins2179)
Glad you got enjoy some life during that long weekend, though sorry to hear of the “and yet.” No encouraging words or much to say, except that I get it. I wish our good moments in life, when D isn’t even a part of it, get bogged down by these D worries. You can do it, as cliche as that now sounds. Sending good vibes and coffee wishes from this end of the world.
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March 31, 2015 at 9:48 pm
Kayleigh Tanner (@DailyKayleigh)
Hello!
Just found your blog and it’s really great. I was diagnosed with type 1 in late 2012 at 20 years old, and I too have an appointment with my diabetes consultant this afternoon. I am genuinely terrified to find out my HbA1c results, and even more scared about being weighed. I always feel like a failure, no matter what I do. I’m going to keep a beady eye on your blog because it’s great.
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