Christmas is a mere week and a half away and as I write and rewrite my list of gifts that need buying (seriously – you’re all getting book vouchers!), I’ve decided to think about what gift I’d like for myself. (Apart from a skirt I impulse bought the other day, justifying the purchase by calculating cost per wear, the number of times I would wear it between now and the New Year and how it is totally trans-seasonal. And now I hate myself for being a person who says ‘trans-seasonal’.)

Anyway, here’s the letter I’m writing to the diabetes god…angel…devil…Santa…Satan… whatever, with a list of all the things s/he could rustle up for me.

Dear Diabetes Deity

So, with Xmas looming, I thought I’d make it easy and write to you with a list of exactly what I need. Don’t bother wrapping any of them. Just deliver under the tree (or as required) on Xmas morning for squeals and girly-claps of excitement and gratitude.
Also – what do you like to eat? Help yourself to the cookies, milk and carrot sticks. But I figure that you would probably like something more difficult. Like, I don’t know, the flesh of a recently risen from the fire phoenix marinated in the tears of a newborn unicorn. Please send me:

  • Working beta cells. Look, if you could manage to just deliver me a small packet of rejuvenating beta cells that will make their own insulin, that would be awesome. And some easy, DIY way to get them situated into my body – maybe think Alice in Wonderland for inspiration.
  • Also – I’ll need some ‘turn off immune reaction serum’ (happy to take it in tablet form, or even an injection because I’ve become accustomed to sticking needles into my skin) to stop my stupid body from attacking the new working beta cells.
  • As the first two are completely unlikely (which would suggest your ‘deity’ status is completely unworthy), a gift from the fairies at Poppy Medical would be most welcome. And then maybe I’d start wearing a medic alert bracelet, although no promises. (For the record, this is the one I like best…)
  • I found my last bottle of Glucolift glucose tabs hiding in a drawer the other day and nearly wept. It’s my last bottle and I need more. Please send more.
  • This necklace, because I reckon just the thought of the sugar in a slice of fairy bread, a Bubble-o-Bill ice-cream, Golden Gaytime ice-cream and iced vovo biscuit will save me from ever going low again. (Disappointingly it’s currently out of stock, but I found this one. And you bet I bought it…)
  • A personal diabetes fairy/assistant to take care of scheduling all appointments, health checks, purchasing of diabetes supplies, ensuring prescriptions are up-to-date and current, ordering and collecting insulin, reminding me when I need to to a set change, refilling low supplies and any other ‘I have to do this for the rest of my life’ diabetes tasks for…well…for the rest of my life. Or until there is a cure. Either / or.
  • My low symptoms. It would be really, really, really, really awesome if you could find where they’ve been hiding and return them to me so they can get back to alerting me of impending hypos.
  • The correct carb count for every single food I ever intend to eat for the rest of my life. And the insulin dose to match it perfectly each time!
  • Sleep. Uninterrupted.

I think that’s it.

Oh wait. There is one more thing: Insulin. Lots of it. But that’s not for me, actually. It’s for all the people around the world who cannot access and afford it. Could you just bundle up a year’s worth for everyone and leave it in an insulated pack for them to find. In fact, if you can manage that one, don’t worry about the rest of the list.

Except maybe that necklace

Much love and festive cheer,

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