Middle of the night conversations

Fade in to bedroom in middle of the night…

Diabetes: Helllloooooo! It’s me; Diabetes!

Me: Piss off!

Diabetes: Rude! You don’t like me very much, do you?

Me: Um…no…It is 3am and you have just woken me up. I guess you’re okay. I mean…I guess.

Diabetes: Pfft. You’re a lousy liar. I hear the words you use when talking about me. We should discuss your language. You swear like a trucker a lot of the time.

Me: My language? You want to talk about my language? It’s 3am. I’ll tell you what you can do with my fucking lang….

Diabetes: Yeah – that’s what I’m talking about…

Me: Well this has been fun. I might go back to sleep now.

Diabetes: Oh – I’m not done yet. We have so much to catch up on. Let’s talk.

Me: About what…?

Diabetes: I was wondering… Do you think there is any way that you could like me? Any way at all? What would I have to do?

Me: Is leaving me alone and finding a way for my beta cells to start working again an option? Could you do that for me?

Diabetes: Not so much.

Me: Okay. Is just being in the background and not bothering me and responding the same way to the same things each time an option?

Diabetes: No. Not really.

Me: Um…is never again waking me in the middle of the night a possibility?

Diabetes: Again, no – I get lonely and it’s fun to have you around when it is dark outside.

Me: Okay. Then to answer your question: no. I don’t believe there is any possible way that I could like you. In fact, I think that I will pretty much dislike you for the rest of my life. Which I hope to be a very long one. We have nothing in common and you have no redeeming qualities. So…

Diabetes: I’m sad to hear that, my friend…

Me: I am not your friend.

Diabetes: Whatevs.

Me: That is not a word.

Diabetes: Totes is.

Me: It is not. And neither is ‘totes’ unless you are referring to a bag.

Diabetes: You know; you’re actually kind of annoying.

Me: Pot. Kettle. Black.

Diabetes: Use verbs!

Me: I had no idea that my diabetes was so into grammar and language.

Diabetes: Yeah – I love it. And punctuation.

Me: You do?

Diabetes: Yep. I do.

Me: Wow. That’s kind of interesting…

Diabetes: It is, isn’t it?

Me: I love punctuation, too.

Diabetes: I know. I can’t decide if my favourite punctuation symbol is the interrobang or acclamation point.

Me: Oh – they are two of my favourites as well! … So, what else do you want to say to me?

Diabetes: Oh – just this…You’re low and probably should do something about it.

Me: What the fuck‽

Diabetes: Renza! Language! Drink some juice. (But excellent use of an interrobang!) … Also, if you find yourself talking weird punctuation marks with your chronic autoimmune health condition – I’d suggest that you think about what could be going on with your glucose level. And then do something about it.  

Renza: Do you know what this punctuation mark is:

Diabetes: No. What is it?

Renza: It’s a sarc mark. And this one? This one is a snarc mark.

Renza: You should consider pretty much everything I ever say to you to conclude with one of those – take your pick.

Diabetes: That’s not very nice.

Renza: Neither are you.

Diabetes: Drink some juice, you moron.

Renza: Don’t tell me what to do! Great; now I’m wide awake.

Diabetes: And it would appear my work here is done. See ya…

Fade out to sound of expletives, all  punctuated with a certitude point.