Every Sunday, in the Life magazine of The Age newspaper, is a column where people (usually B to Z grade celebrities) are asked about what they eat on a given day.

They all seem to follow the same boring, unadventurous, ‘this-is-what-a-dietitian-wants-to-hear’ diet. Usually, they start their day with lemon water (to help kick start their metabolism or help with their bodies pH or boost their antioxidant intake or cleanse their liver – it depends which pseudo-science crap they have been reading up on that week), which I am reliably informed (by, you know, qualified practitioners) does nothing other than potentially erode tooth enamel.

Mostly, the foods consumed by those lying about reporting what they ate include a lot of kale, brown rice, kale, grilled salmon, kale, green tea, kale, organic vegies, and kale. Because, kale.

It was in such an article that I first heard of Pete Evans with his ridiculous claims of activating his nuts.

The dietitian – the very sensible and very lovely Dr Joanna MacMillan – then usually comments that even though the person had lied reported eating well, they should try to incorporate more grains/leafy green vegies/lean meat/low fat dairy etc. in their diet to ensure they are following evidence-based dietary guidelines. There is (thankfully) often a ‘stop believing the crap you are reading’ message in there – and a reminder to stop eroding their tooth enamel first thing in the morning.

So, I thought I would write down everything I consumed on a recent day. And then translate it into the language used in these articles.

Breakfast

Caffe latte

Single origin organic coffee grown by virgins on an Ethiopian hillside, reverse-osmosis filtered organic water, organic milk from cows grazing on organic kale while piped music is played to them, fair-trade, organic, raw sugar grown under the organic sun and picked by night under an organic full moon. 

Avocado toast

Two slices of artisan organic sourdough bread, evenly toasted by hand with a blow torch using organic butane, spread with organic avocado picked that morning, speckled with organic black sea salt from the organic Black sea.

Lunch

750ml pineapple juice (I had just mowed the lawn and was hypo. Really hypo.)

Pure filtered organic pineapple nectar, extracted by hand from an organic pineapple, naturally sweetened by smiling pineapple nectar extractor pixies. 

Afternoon tea

Caffe latte

As above, but this time sweetened with organic agave syrup from Mexico.

Dinner

Homemade pasties.

Ratatouille of organically-grown baby vegetables including organic peas, organic potatoes, organic green beans, organic corn, organic onion, organic celery, organic spinach, organic zucchini, organic eggplant, organic garlic, organic turnip with organic micro-herbs wrapped in organic butter-pastry, gently baked until organically golden brown.  

Salad of avocado, spinach leaves, sesame seeds and dressing

Avocado as above, organic baby spinach leaves picked just before becoming teenage spinach leaves, sprinkled with organic sesame seeds drizzled with a dressing of organic EVOO and organic balsamic vinegar. 

Dessert

Three gluten free chocolate chip cookies (gluten free because the only flour-like product in my house at the time I had a sudden urge to bake was almond meal. Strictly NOT for any health benefits.)

Trio of gluten-removed organic dark chocolate shard biscotti made with gluten-free organic almonds, crushed by hand, baked into organic orbs of goodness.

Basically, my diet that day involved a couple of coffees, three quarters of a litre of pineapple juice, two slices of bread with avocado, a couple of pasties and three chocolate chip cookies. Not great at all. But honest.

And it was a good day, a healthy day. Because with everything I ate, I bolused insulin for it (not the pineapple juice – that hypo was terrible!). I ate what I chose to eat and then did what I needed to do to manage my diabetes. I took insulin. Or rather, sub-cutaneously infused organic insulin made by the delicate hands of Celtic insulin faeries.