Dear almost everyone I know, and many people I’ve not actually met,

Yes, I am aware of the possibility of the worldwide Nutella shortage. Thanks to about a million copies of various links from online publications having been emailed, text messaged, tweeted, Facebooked and snail-mailed to me, I am mindful that due to poor weather in Turkey, there is a hazelnut scarcity and, as a result, I may not be able to replenish my stocks of this life-saving treatment condiment.

Please note that I have made provisions to ensure that I am not disadvantaged during this most difficult period. There is still half a 5kg jar in our kitchen at home to be consumed. I may or may not have just cleared the local Woolies of their supply. And Coles. And IGA. And Mediterranean Wholesalers. And Lygon Street, Carlton.

I have also let myself into my parents’ house and pilfered their supply.

Nutella shortage

I have put into action a clear directive in my home that the current stockpile is to be used for medicinal purposes only and may not be consumed by anyone unless their BGL is below 3.5mmol/l (as confirmed by a finger-prick check, so none of this ‘I feel hypo’ crap that seems to come out of the mouths of those I live with when they feel like one of my jelly snake hypo stash).

I also have investigated alternative sources of nut-based chocolaty goodness in case I need to substitute the hazelnut delectability of Nutella with an alternative spread. I hope that it does not get to this stage, however I am willing to make sacrifices to ensure I continue to enjoy chocolate-nutty-yumminess on my sourdough.

I thank you all for your concern. This is a period of incredible distress for me, but I hope that with your support and the measures I’ve put in place, I will not have to do without.

Best wishes to you all,


Friday playlist. Rufus Wainwright (who I adore, but my favourite Wainwright is his dad….more from him in coming weeks).